when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
