Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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