i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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