I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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