I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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