I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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