She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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