I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
