He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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