I'm laying in your front yard are you home
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
