What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
