I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
