You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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