I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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