I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
