Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
