Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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