I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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