Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
