i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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