When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
