Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
