No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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