You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
