You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
