get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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