I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
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