mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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