I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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