Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
