hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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