The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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