What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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