I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think we might need a safe word for this...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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