Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
