My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
