Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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