I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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