Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
