I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
