I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
