How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
