You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
