During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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