dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
