It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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