I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
