dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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