there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
