i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
