Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
